I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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