Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
