Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
