he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
