I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
