somebody snuck up and got me drunk
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
