My underwear smells like fireworks.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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