Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
