call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
