some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
