My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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