Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
