I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
