I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
