The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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