we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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