that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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