you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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