the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
