Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She told me I should be a condom model.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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