I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
