hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
