If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Two words: blizzard sex
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
