OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
