Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
