Cold hands, warm shart.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
