I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
