My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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