strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We had to coat check the pizza.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
