and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
