I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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