I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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