seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
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I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
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Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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