When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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