just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize