I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
