The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
