Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
