im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
