I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
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I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
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I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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