It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
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I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
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Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.