He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
