If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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