that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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