I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
