then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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