how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Can vaginas get frostbite?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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