Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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