There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
