i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
