he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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