worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
