Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
