Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
