I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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