Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
is wine microwaveable?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
